The Fear & Thrill of Moving to Another Country

Sharing a journal entry from a moment I'll never forget, the night before moving to Spain

Being in tune with and following our intuition is perhaps one of the most valuable gifts. It requires us to call upon the resilience and courage buried deep within the most forgotten trenches of our heart. Fellow Substacker Diana recently reflected on curiosity, and even that I think comes into play when tuning in to our intuition. Being curious about ourselves, being curious about evolving who we are, and being curious about the world around us. And then having the courage to follow what you discover through that curiosity.

What people underestimate when it comes to following your intuition is that it takes a level of sheer bravery unlike anything else. When it comes to making changes in our lives, the default is to not even contemplate said change. We are instinctively driven to quiet the visceral fear that arises. There is immense fear in the unknown. That fear can prevent the most sacred seeds of our dreams from ever taking root. We eschew digging deeper into exploring what makes us feel alive because it’ll require sacrifice that is easier left for another day. Instead, you have to sit with that fear to find the very quiet voice underneath that is telling you, you should follow it despite it all.

What I’m sharing below I wrote years ago, the night before I took my one-way flight to Spain, knowing that I might never move back to the U.S. The move wasn’t meant to be a temporary move, it was meant to be permanent. But despite my certainty in my decision, the pending permanence in the moment felt too overwhelming to handle at the time. In that moment, engulfed with the fear of the unknown, I had to calm myself with the thought that I could move back in a few months if I needed to. I wrote the reflection that night for two reasons. In part to process what I was feeling, and in part to become my own cheerleader in a moment of fear and to dare to dream that this journey would be worth it. And sitting here in the present moment, it was worth it, and continues to be worth it to this day.

I value the reflection below because it captured a rare moment. A rare moment that may have been erased as the roots of my life in Sevilla extended and enveloped the fear I had once felt. As I settled into my life in Sevilla, the joy and gratitude was so overwhelming, I may have forgotten I ever was worried to take that first step to begin with.

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September 2016:

I’m sitting here in my (soon to be old) backyard. It’s midnight, a brisk chill air surrounds me. You can see the stars as well as any average night, twinkling up in the sky. Whenever big changes like this are on the horizon, juxtaposed to a setting that hardly changes, I feel so strange…for most people this is a normal night, wake up and go to work tomorrow, in the regular routine of life.

But I’ve shattered the routine that was once everything to me here. I am now leaving tomorrow to start a whole new journey…even if I missed my flight and decided to stay, the routine I once had is no longer there to fall back on. My last paycheck arrived two weeks ago. I can’t go back to my old job. My apartment that was once mine is empty. My furniture is sold. I don’t even have a car to my name anymore.

I have to force myself to not get carried away in the potential future scenarios, will I live in Sevilla for 3 months, 9 months, a year, 5 years, forever? I have no idea and it has been an invaluable lesson for me to come to grips with that unknown. What I’m about to embark on is a true adventure and I need to embrace it for all it’s worth.

I’ve been admittedly way more terrified than I expected. It’s something that I’ve fairly openly shared with most of my closest friends and confidants. Feeling this scared has really caught me off guard. I forgot what it was to feel deeply vulnerable. It’s such a foreign feeling because for so long, basically ever since I really first settled into my career here 3 years ago, I haven’t felt that.

My “dream job” was such a day in day out repetitive pattern. I lost who I was in the midst of that banal routine, that was never changing and never challenging. I lost the feeling of what it’s like to really push yourself, to be challenged, to be scared.

Granted the feeling of moving abroad is uniquely terrifying, in my own opinion. I specifically wanted to write tonight to hash out these thoughts simply because I think amidst the excitement in Sevilla a lot of this will wash away. I don’t want to forget that I did feel this. Utterly alone and terrified, not really knowing where my next steps will take me. I know the general direction I’m headed but the path is dark and shadowed simply because the light of what’s to come has not yet lit up the path. It’s something I imagine I’ll discover step by step.

When I’m there, I imagine there will be moments where huge steps will happen all at once, probably overwhelming in those moments. But if I can keep up with it, it’ll take me somewhere great. Isn’t it strange how following your heart can be so terrifying? You’d think that going with your gut and following your intuition would be a breeze. Or at least I thought it would be until I arrived to this moment. Quitting my job, all the preparation, those pieces felt easy compared to how I feel right now, about to take the first real step.

It’s quite the paradox, getting quiet and listening to your intuition, knowing in your heart you are making the right choice, yet simultaneously feeling a trembling fear that shakes you to your core. But even still, beneath the trembles, beneath the anxiety and sadness of leaving what has been my home, I still can feel that quiet inner knowing that tells me: I’ll be okay. Maybe even better than ok. I can dare to hope.

This is a huge leap, but taking the leap in itself is like placing another block onto who I am, building me up into the person that I want to be, the person that doesn’t stray away from a big change, despite how objectively irrational or drastic it may seem.

The fact of the matter is, I love Sevilla in a way that I cannot put into words. It’s the most beautiful city in the world. I knew that in my first moments walking around the city, and it only grew over those two years I spent there. When I’m in Sevilla I feel home. Home in a way I didn’t know I could feel. My life there is something so special to me, but what’s hard in this moment is that my life in San Diego has been so special too. It’s obviously not an easy place to walk away from. My friends, family and life here mean so much to me. But there was a restlessness underneath all that that I couldn’t ignore. I knew it was time for a change, to push the boundaries of comfort and get back to the city that has been calling me back ever since I left it. Cheers to taking terrifying leaps, following intuition, and an incredible adventure to come.

Photo by Veronika Hradilová on Unsplash