The Surprising Truth About Socializing in Spain
Exploring the differences between group social interactions in Spain and the US. Spoiler alert, it's not about you.
Living in Spain for over a decade has given me a front-row seat to myriad cultural nuances. Per many reflections I share here, there are often observations that emerge over time. Realizations that start as a subtle difference and become more and more apparent throughout the years. One of those differences I’ve noticed more lately is the collective focus in social situations here versus the individual-centered conversations in the U.S.
Newcomers in a Coworking Space
Last year, I joined a coworking space here in Sevilla. What intrigued me about this particular spot was that it wasn’t a random assortment of digital nomads just passing through; it was a group of Spaniards living here who had rented out a large art studio to have a shared space to work autonomously while maintaining a sense of community.
On my first Friday there, they invited me and another new member to drinks to welcome us. What struck me immediately was how different the gathering felt compared to what I was used to back in the U.S. The conversations didn’t center around personal details about us newcomers, like “Where are you from?” or “What do you do?” Instead, we spent hours sharing random stories about Sevilla—new restaurant openings, Semana Santa plans, and just general updates about life in the city.
Yes, there were a few casual questions about me and the other new girl, but overall, the tone of the evening was more about the group as a whole than about any individual. The dynamic was inclusive, yet neither myself nor the new girl were ever the focus. The focus was on shared experiences of the collective whole.
The Expat Dinner Party: “What do you do?”
This was further highlighted at a recent dinner party with a group of foreign friends, mostly American, and the first question that almost every person we met asked us was “what do you do?”
I watched as my Spanish partner who was with me (not a native English speaker) took a long second to process this question every time, almost as if he hadn’t understood. He later shared that he was caught off guard hearing that question immediately after being asked his name.
He asked me, why do these strangers care so much about what I do? I laughed. His reaction was another reminder of how much our personal identities are tied to what we do in American culture, compared to how in Spain, our social lives are more about the experience.
This difference felt especially poignant as I reflected on the warm, easy conversations I have in Spain, where no one cares about your job title or what you’ve achieved lately. It’s about talking about the moment, the city, the food, the people (much like Sarah’s so aptly points out in her post). The vehicle of connection is through shared experiences, not through personal achievements.
When Friends Visit
As a third example, around the holidays I had a dear friend from England visit me. We used to live together in 2016 and we try to plan reunions once a year.
In true Spanish fashion we had a few “planes improvisados” and found ourselves in not one but two group hangouts with my Spanish friends.
What surprised me was that no one really asked her any personal questions. She was included in conversations, but conversations were about the tapas we were ordering, plans for the holidays, when the luces de navidad were going to be turned on, etc. It wasn’t that people weren’t curious or welcoming; it was simply that the group was the focus, not an individual.
In this environment, there’s no pressure to impress or to perform, or to boast about your latest work advancement or your latest hobby (because #selfimprovement, right?).
Let me be clear: I’m not eschewing personal conversations. I love them, and they absolutely do exist in some of my Spanish relationships. This post is more a reflection on the tendency I’ve noticed in group settings and what that experience has provoked.
Reflecting on the Spanish Approach: A Welcome Shift
In Spain, socializing is about enjoying the collective energy, it rarely feels performative or “you-centric”. Group gatherings lend towards lighter, less personal, conversations.
Over time, I’ve grown to love the levity of these conversations. They make me feel like I’m part of something bigger than myself. Being a part of something; it takes you out of yourself.
The beauty of this collective approach is that it creates an atmosphere of ease. There’s a palpable shift in the group energy when the focus is not on individual achievements or individual updates but rather the group energy and experience. Instead of focusing on categorization, the focus is connection.
What a treat to explore and experience both sides of the coin, and to integrate them into who I am.
Thank you for this post. This brings to mind an awkward fact for writers at any American gathering. Because the first question is "What do you do?" to which one answers, "I'm a writer," the second question, which is intended to be polite, is quite often, "Would I have read anything you've written?"
The answer to question two is invariably awkward. How do you reply? Sometimes I find myself painfully listing my books, to which the person replies, "I'm sorry I haven't read them," to which I've learned to reply, "Oh, everybody and his mother is a writer." Sometimes someone will say, "I think I might have heard of that one," but I'll know they're probably thinking of a more famous book with similar title. Or "I've heard of you!" to which I know they're thinking of a writer with a similar name. On rare occasions, someone will say, "Oh my god I read that!" which is a lifeline.
I imagine it's much the same for actors: "Would I have watched anything you've been in?" I do love American curiosity, which I think is mostly well-intended, but it can be quite awkward!
I loved this piece. And it made me think about how - here in France - the group conversations are not typically personal ones either. But there is still a sense that talking about where one is going on vacation, what they do outside of work is also very much a way of seizing the other person.