Thank you for this post. This brings to mind an awkward fact for writers at any American gathering. Because the first question is "What do you do?" to which one answers, "I'm a writer," the second question, which is intended to be polite, is quite often, "Would I have read anything you've written?"
The answer to question two is invariably awkward. How do you reply? Sometimes I find myself painfully listing my books, to which the person replies, "I'm sorry I haven't read them," to which I've learned to reply, "Oh, everybody and his mother is a writer." Sometimes someone will say, "I think I might have heard of that one," but I'll know they're probably thinking of a more famous book with similar title. Or "I've heard of you!" to which I know they're thinking of a writer with a similar name. On rare occasions, someone will say, "Oh my god I read that!" which is a lifeline.
I imagine it's much the same for actors: "Would I have watched anything you've been in?" I do love American curiosity, which I think is mostly well-intended, but it can be quite awkward!
Thanks for your thoughtful response Michelle, love the way you coined it as "American curiosity"...food for thought there, but agreed that it can be awkward at times. And thank for the shout out in your recent post <3
I loved this piece. And it made me think about how - here in France - the group conversations are not typically personal ones either. But there is still a sense that talking about where one is going on vacation, what they do outside of work is also very much a way of seizing the other person.
I spent a few weeks in Sevilla summer of 2019. Flamenco concerts, white horses, the markets full of 97 different types of olives, and making tiles. Great memories….
Great post and absolutely spot-on. Even though I’ve been in Spain for most of my adult life (British by birth), I’m still surprised at how generally un-nosy the Spanish are. Apart from when it comes to medical procedures, that is!!
I so agree, I always find it quite confronting when people ask you what you do right after getting your name (well, usually after, where you from?). So glad to hear that Spaniards have a different perspective.
Such an interesting post, and it reminded me of just after I graduated from university. I'm half American/half British and spent most of my life abroad before going to university in Boston and then working there for 4 years. My girlfriend at the time was similar, had grown up abroad but come to the US to study. We often went to work parties with her colleagues, it was an advertising agency and they loved to socialise and every time I got dragged to a party I hated socialising because everyone immediately asked about my job. I wasn't ashamed of it at all (I worked in the Enterprise Rent a Car Management Training Scheme, which was actually a pretty good job). I just got bored by these questions and so I started having fun with it, changing up my answers to deliberately wind people up and confuse them.
"I work as an usher at the cinema, and it's great! I get free popcorn and can watch the films for free!"
"I work at HMV records stocking shelves, and sometimes I steal CDs when no one is looking!"
"I work at an art gallery, but just in the cafe, serving sandwiches. If there any left over at the end of the day, I can take them home!"
It wasn't that these answers were necessarily funny. It's just that they were all about status, all these 'cool' advertising people, and I just wanted to mess with them.
Love your humorous take on it as a way to play with the situation. Personally, as a foodie, I would have responded with enthusiasm at the free popcorn and leftover sandwiches 😂 I actually worked at a hot dog shop in college and the free hot dogs were the best perks, especially on a college budget!
Free hot dogs are great perks for sure. But now you’ve really opened up a can of worms!
One summer, after my sophomore year, I worked as a waiter at a hotel in Boston and would often get to take home 3-4 lb chunks of cooked pastrami as well as jumbo packs of frozen hot dogs. That’s what I subsisted on much of that summer (which is painful to think about now - I don’t think I put a gram of fibre in my body for 3 months - yikes!)
During college, I worked for the catering services and was able to bring home trays of leftover food, sometimes an entire massive tray of chicken parm, my housemates loved me for it.
Sadly, I don’t think any of these people at the advertising parties would have been impressed by these true tales.
This immediately took me back to all the cringey get-togethers I was somehow tricked into attending while living in NYC. Naturally, most of the conversations revolved around WHAT DO YOU DO?—like literal job interviews. Ugh, I couldn't stand it. I love hearing about the complete opposite in Spain and many other Mediterranean countries—where life is about more than just a career path!
Interesting point of view. I was positively surprised reading the paragraph about your friend's visit and that no one from your Spanish group of friends asked her personal questions. That's something that should be normal I think but from my experience it's not. I've often noticed that when I'm in a group of people I don't know very well—or even when I do know them but lack confidence (for example, coworkers)—people here tend to be very direct. Sometimes too direct. I have several examples, not just negative ones but also funny ones. I think you've just inspired me to write a post haha...
I know it's funny I think when I first experienced it I almost felt it was rude! Which is kind of ironic since that reaction is also "me-centric" right? Haha. Excited to read your post!
I love your post. I have lived in the U.S. and live now in Italy. What you describe feels the same in Italy. Indeed, as you wrote, it is great to have experienced both how socializing is happening in the US vs. Spain, or I dare to say "Europe," as I experienced the warm, not individual-focused way of connecting in many European countries.
Thanks for your comment Claudia, I was wondering this as I was working on the post and hoping others would chime in to share! And it seems like this trend extends even beyond Europe!
Nice. I discovered the 'Americanism" of my culture when I worked for a Chinese company in San Francisco for over a decade. From that experience I learned that all was a team effort. Not me, me, me. So in moving to Mexico it was easier to be 'in the moment' when meeting people. That first epiphany is a bit of a jolt.
I love hearing about this. As a stay-at-home mom (who used to be a working mom) I really, really hate when the question "what do you do?" is immediately asked. I think I appreciate the approach in Spain much more. Thanks for sharing.
I'm loving your posts! It seems a missing key ingredient in the states is community places for people to enjoy each other's company.
I'm curious about deep conversations. In your experience, is Spanish culture mostly about keeping things light, or do people get deep and vulnerable with each other? For context, I've lived in three different states within the US, and noticed in one state people didn't express deep felt emotions unless you were extremely close. Curious on your take about Spain.
Thanks for your comment Adriana I'm so glad to hear! I'd say the tendency is to keep things light, especially in group settings, but there are people here who love to get deep and vulnerable too. I'd say it happens more so one-on-one though.
Interesting to hear that you've noticed differences across the states in the US, I'd tie it to the differences between the autonomous communities here in Spain too. Cultural nuances vary a lot within the country depending on the region!
Thank you for this post. This brings to mind an awkward fact for writers at any American gathering. Because the first question is "What do you do?" to which one answers, "I'm a writer," the second question, which is intended to be polite, is quite often, "Would I have read anything you've written?"
The answer to question two is invariably awkward. How do you reply? Sometimes I find myself painfully listing my books, to which the person replies, "I'm sorry I haven't read them," to which I've learned to reply, "Oh, everybody and his mother is a writer." Sometimes someone will say, "I think I might have heard of that one," but I'll know they're probably thinking of a more famous book with similar title. Or "I've heard of you!" to which I know they're thinking of a writer with a similar name. On rare occasions, someone will say, "Oh my god I read that!" which is a lifeline.
I imagine it's much the same for actors: "Would I have watched anything you've been in?" I do love American curiosity, which I think is mostly well-intended, but it can be quite awkward!
Thanks for your thoughtful response Michelle, love the way you coined it as "American curiosity"...food for thought there, but agreed that it can be awkward at times. And thank for the shout out in your recent post <3
I loved this piece. And it made me think about how - here in France - the group conversations are not typically personal ones either. But there is still a sense that talking about where one is going on vacation, what they do outside of work is also very much a way of seizing the other person.
I spent a few weeks in Sevilla summer of 2019. Flamenco concerts, white horses, the markets full of 97 different types of olives, and making tiles. Great memories….
Love to read this, it's such a magical city!
yes it is 🥰 🫒💃🏻🇪🇸
Fascinating !
My experience in Denmark is similar to what you describe about the US. It is very common to ask people (and get asked) about your job right away.
I attribute it more to lack of social skills than individual-centric society😅
Great post and absolutely spot-on. Even though I’ve been in Spain for most of my adult life (British by birth), I’m still surprised at how generally un-nosy the Spanish are. Apart from when it comes to medical procedures, that is!!
The medical procedures piece is absolutely an exception haha, potentially another post for another day!
I so agree, I always find it quite confronting when people ask you what you do right after getting your name (well, usually after, where you from?). So glad to hear that Spaniards have a different perspective.
Such an interesting post, and it reminded me of just after I graduated from university. I'm half American/half British and spent most of my life abroad before going to university in Boston and then working there for 4 years. My girlfriend at the time was similar, had grown up abroad but come to the US to study. We often went to work parties with her colleagues, it was an advertising agency and they loved to socialise and every time I got dragged to a party I hated socialising because everyone immediately asked about my job. I wasn't ashamed of it at all (I worked in the Enterprise Rent a Car Management Training Scheme, which was actually a pretty good job). I just got bored by these questions and so I started having fun with it, changing up my answers to deliberately wind people up and confuse them.
"I work as an usher at the cinema, and it's great! I get free popcorn and can watch the films for free!"
"I work at HMV records stocking shelves, and sometimes I steal CDs when no one is looking!"
"I work at an art gallery, but just in the cafe, serving sandwiches. If there any left over at the end of the day, I can take them home!"
It wasn't that these answers were necessarily funny. It's just that they were all about status, all these 'cool' advertising people, and I just wanted to mess with them.
My girlfriend was not amused!
Love your humorous take on it as a way to play with the situation. Personally, as a foodie, I would have responded with enthusiasm at the free popcorn and leftover sandwiches 😂 I actually worked at a hot dog shop in college and the free hot dogs were the best perks, especially on a college budget!
Free hot dogs are great perks for sure. But now you’ve really opened up a can of worms!
One summer, after my sophomore year, I worked as a waiter at a hotel in Boston and would often get to take home 3-4 lb chunks of cooked pastrami as well as jumbo packs of frozen hot dogs. That’s what I subsisted on much of that summer (which is painful to think about now - I don’t think I put a gram of fibre in my body for 3 months - yikes!)
During college, I worked for the catering services and was able to bring home trays of leftover food, sometimes an entire massive tray of chicken parm, my housemates loved me for it.
Sadly, I don’t think any of these people at the advertising parties would have been impressed by these true tales.
This immediately took me back to all the cringey get-togethers I was somehow tricked into attending while living in NYC. Naturally, most of the conversations revolved around WHAT DO YOU DO?—like literal job interviews. Ugh, I couldn't stand it. I love hearing about the complete opposite in Spain and many other Mediterranean countries—where life is about more than just a career path!
100%, Mediterranean countries have some much needed magic we're so lucky to experience :)
Interesting point of view. I was positively surprised reading the paragraph about your friend's visit and that no one from your Spanish group of friends asked her personal questions. That's something that should be normal I think but from my experience it's not. I've often noticed that when I'm in a group of people I don't know very well—or even when I do know them but lack confidence (for example, coworkers)—people here tend to be very direct. Sometimes too direct. I have several examples, not just negative ones but also funny ones. I think you've just inspired me to write a post haha...
I know it's funny I think when I first experienced it I almost felt it was rude! Which is kind of ironic since that reaction is also "me-centric" right? Haha. Excited to read your post!
I love your post. I have lived in the U.S. and live now in Italy. What you describe feels the same in Italy. Indeed, as you wrote, it is great to have experienced both how socializing is happening in the US vs. Spain, or I dare to say "Europe," as I experienced the warm, not individual-focused way of connecting in many European countries.
Thanks for your comment Claudia, I was wondering this as I was working on the post and hoping others would chime in to share! And it seems like this trend extends even beyond Europe!
Nice. I discovered the 'Americanism" of my culture when I worked for a Chinese company in San Francisco for over a decade. From that experience I learned that all was a team effort. Not me, me, me. So in moving to Mexico it was easier to be 'in the moment' when meeting people. That first epiphany is a bit of a jolt.
Absolutely, an epiphany that's a refreshing jolt! :) Interesting to hear that this seems to be a theme across many cultures outside the US.
I love hearing about this. As a stay-at-home mom (who used to be a working mom) I really, really hate when the question "what do you do?" is immediately asked. I think I appreciate the approach in Spain much more. Thanks for sharing.
Agreed Lani, life is too rich to limit it to our careers. Also side note I love Portugal, so cool your family moved out there! We go to Algarve a lot.
Very insightful!
I'm loving your posts! It seems a missing key ingredient in the states is community places for people to enjoy each other's company.
I'm curious about deep conversations. In your experience, is Spanish culture mostly about keeping things light, or do people get deep and vulnerable with each other? For context, I've lived in three different states within the US, and noticed in one state people didn't express deep felt emotions unless you were extremely close. Curious on your take about Spain.
Thanks for your comment Adriana I'm so glad to hear! I'd say the tendency is to keep things light, especially in group settings, but there are people here who love to get deep and vulnerable too. I'd say it happens more so one-on-one though.
Interesting to hear that you've noticed differences across the states in the US, I'd tie it to the differences between the autonomous communities here in Spain too. Cultural nuances vary a lot within the country depending on the region!